Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.