me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.