*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.