TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Well, this is awkward
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.