Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
time machine? you mean a clock?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.