Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
But that’s none of my business
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body