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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle