“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
no one ever comes back
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.