Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.