hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
When you’re Kinky but poor
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me