Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
The symmetry is uncanny.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too