[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Yoga Matt
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.