I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
paddle faster i hear baby shark
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on