Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
You Might Also Like
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*