[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
any last words?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.