I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
my proudest tweet
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes