Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
My wedding will be open casket.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I’m an avid indoorsman.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels