The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that