This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Eat…
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.