You Might Also Like
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“you recording!?”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Life hack
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020