This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Air conditioning – not a fan
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆