My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
what’s more important?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.