My dryer is celebrating lint.
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.