Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
You Might Also Like
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?