I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Was it something I said?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?