A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?