If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
this is so top tier i cant
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
my retirement plan is braless
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.