My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
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Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.