Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My dog learned how to text
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.