That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
You Might Also Like
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
secret recipe
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.