If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If looks could kill
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?