Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin