According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Good morning.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.