did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
SPLOOT
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard