oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
You Might Also Like
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I found your tweet-up…
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
☺️