only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
New comic up. “Ransom”