Lassie, get help!
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.