SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth