Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.