My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Got ya covered
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Cool shirt 🙂
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.