Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.