In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
United Steaks of America
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster