I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
No regrets in 2018
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.