Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Friday
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs