Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
You Might Also Like
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time