[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
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Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes