ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
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chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
nice challenge
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.