I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Your secret is safeish with me
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
They must have gotten it to go.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car