ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
You Might Also Like
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved