I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
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My favorite farside!!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Yes my dude
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If looks could kill
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.